Perception and Pride

On June 22nd, I joined friends and colleagues and went to the Greenport, Long Island Pride parade. It was a day filled with love and celebration. Seeing how times have changed from when I was younger is inspiring.

It makes me think about a day back in college when one of my best friends told me that he was gay. This was not an easy thing to come forward with back then. I was an open-minded, loving person who should have easily received this conversation. But my initial emotional response was hurt and anger instead of love and support. Why did that happen?  Instead of seeing his bravery in coming forward,  I couldn’t understand why he had been deceiving me.  I was focused on the fact that for weeks he had been telling me stories about his recent girlfriend who he now sheepishly admitted was a boyfriend.   I wanted to be happy for him but the overwhelming emotions were anger and hurt.  I wondered if I could trust him anymore.

I tried to hide my negative emotions and be supportive because I knew that was what he needed.   I understood that my feelings were not the main issue here but that initial knee-jerk emotional response was fierce and I didn’t like it.   After some processing, I accepted this was not intentional deception.  I knew that his actions were a reflection of him and that I shouldn’t take it personally.    I came around with a heart full of love and support for my friend who was finally living his authentic life. 

I always wondered what came through for him that day.   I know I told him that I was upset he lied to me, upset that he felt he couldn’t trust me and not sure how I could trust him anymore. But I also told him that I supported him and was so happy he felt safe to share his secret with me.  I was honored to be the first person told. We moved on from that day and continued our friendship.   But despite our moving forward, I carried shame over how I showed up for him when he was most vulnerable. 

After college, we lost touch.  Recently we reconnected and reminisced as old friends tend to do.  I shared my regrets for how I showed up for him that day so many years ago.

He was shocked.  He didn’t process the day that way at all. He felt completely welcomed and supported and it eased his fear of telling others.   He told me I am an important part of his origin story.  He said that being the first person he told, I will always have a special place in his heart.  I cried.

I guess I kept my negative emotions in check that day. I am grateful for that but look at all the shame I carried around for years.   It’s fascinating how two people can experience the same situation in completely different ways.  Fascinating how our thoughts can impact our memories.  Fascinating how we experience events is largely dependent on our interpretations. 

I have a few gratitudes after this reflection:

I am grateful we reconnected.

I am grateful for this reframe and the shedding of shame.

I am grateful to live in a world where we can celebrate Pride together.

I was lucky to get positive feedback from my friend, but I now understand that my shame came from a lack of self-compassion.  Regardless of how he perceived my actions, I did the best I could with what I had that day, and going forward that is all I will ever ask of myself.